Privacy Settings

As you know, I have started posting personal posts on my Pea of Sweetness blog/website now. They are limited to being generally personal and not only what I'd share with friends and family personal - if that makes sense. Well, I have quite of bit of THAT type of personal posts to share. I know I don't share on here much at all. Most of what I have to say/share I share on Facebook. I've had people "Unfriend" me, though, because my life isn't perfect and comes with some drama. Generally that wouldn't bother me, but what some may not know is those type of posts are only shared with those I consider FRIENDS. Not just friends, friends, either, but somebody I trust and consider a "good friend." See, Facebook has a nice way of categorizing people, and if it's someone I don't really know well or have just a casual friendship they are categorized as "Acquaintance" and don't see my more personal posts. If you DO see them (I'm sure you'll know) consider yourself appreciated because you are! I appreciate you enough to trust you with the most pressing issues in my family's life! I have decided, though, that I'm no longer even going to share with my "good friends" on Facebook much anymore because there is a lot going on most don't know about because now I fear if I ask for prayer, vent about my day, etc. I'll be labeled "drama" and intentionally ignored. Since when did a friend's burden become something to ignore? It's a shame really. I can honestly say that even through some of my hardest times I still WANTED to know what my friends were going through - the good and the bad - so I could rejoice with them or pray for them. Why? God gives me the strength to love others even when it feels like my world is falling apart. I know it is a gift with which he has blessed me and not all are blessed with the same gift. Perhaps I tend to dramatize things because I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is something else I haven't really talked about, but it doesn't change the fact that I do. But yes, "Borderlines" often dramatize things because we actually handle life best when there is MORE drama rather than less. If you're unfamiliar with Borderline Personality Disorder what I just said probably makes no sense at all, but just go with me on this! haha So, in an effort to prevent "drama" I'm going to use this blog as my tool to vent, and I'm going to make it private from now on. If you'd actually like to follow along and keep up with what is going on with our family I will share the privacy information with you (I think it's a password, but I don't know for sure until I switch the settings). I'll be switching it all over next week. Just let me know if you'd like the information. Again, I'm not going to be posting on Facebook much anymore, so for our more detailed, personal goings on this is going to be place for it!

Busy times

Well, I wanted to keep up with my personal blog as much as my Pea of Sweetness site, but it's just been so busy. I'm going to start blogging every day type stuff on there and leave this to the more personal stuff mostly for friends, but I'm leaving it public because who knows who might stumble upon it for a purpose! Yes, there are times I think wow, should I really post this? Then I realize it's life - OUR life. I feel like God has a purpose for everything, and I often feel my purpose is to share our "crazy" life to show others it is OK and He is there! You are not alone! Despite anything and everything that has happened in my life my hope is in Him!

The past two weeks in this house have been far from tame! From my finally getting an appt with my new psychiatrist, preparing for a big expo, Joey's usual Dr appts plus a nerve block a couple days ago (which is still hurting him unfortunately), and my monthly "friend," which I'm pretty sure is blowing up into PMDD again (severe PMS as in I can barely function for 2-3 days), mooselion's IFSP and setting up his therapy, etc. Good times! LOL Seriously, I'm WIPED OUT!

So, that's what's going on! Results of the going ons: Joey is finally getting put into the Med Board. Obviously we've only been here 5 months, but I say "finally" because of the whole incident at Ft Belvoir because we all know it should have been done then! Haha Mooselion starts weekly in-home therapy for his speech delay next week and will be referred for a hearing test (standard, of course) and a sensory evaluation (by my request). So far, everything has gone smoothly!

My appt was OK. I'm kind of "Eh" about my psychiatrist, but he's definitely very intelligent and makes a lot of sense. He is actually decreasing my Wellbutrin with the intent of getting off of it. He said since I went straight from the Zoloft to Wellbutrin I never had a chance to see how I'd do without one, which is true. Of course, I'm all about eliminating medications, so I'm willing to go with this! As far as evaluations for OCD and ADD (though my former psychiatrist did already diagnose me with mild OCD) he said we are going to wait.  Based on my family history of growing up with an alcoholic in a negative environment certain psycho social disorders can appear to be things like depression, OCD, etc., but since it's psycho social it isn't actually these conditions because they are diseases (medical), which is why they're treated with medications. So anyway, I start counseling in a couple weeks, and we go from there. My counselor and my psychiatrist are in the same office, so that is nice plus it's extremely close!

Although he didn't mention it to me in conversation he did send me home with paperwork on Borderline Personality Disorder. I've read it, talked to Joey about it, Googled it, etc. I think another thing I need to do that I'm holding back on is talk to some of my close friends growing up, family members, etc. A lot of it seems extreme, and if you know me now or maybe don't know me extremely well you might think I don't "fit" that diagnosis. If I go back, though, I can definitely say I did - it's why I say I'm grateful God's grace pulled me back to him because I was in a dark place. Although I am no longer in that dark place I can't ignore that I was and that it would definitely fit that diagnosis, and quite a few of the criteria STILL fit me - just not the extreme ones. Since it's already 3am, though, I'm not going to go all in depth, but basically I think it's very possible I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It's almost relieving that I can identify with those feelings and know I'm not the only one! I guess I will continue to learn more and then I'm assuming that's the first thing I'll be discussing with my new counselor! If anybody is extremely familiar with it please let me know!

As for next week things really won't be letting up! Joey has THREE nerve blocks on Monday and mooselion starts his therapy on Thus. But overall, that's not a full schedule for us, so it will probably be an "easy" week! Please pray that his nerve blocks go well and don't cause so much pain this time (they're re-doing the one from this week since it clearly didn't work). They're doing one for his hands which is a risky procedure because he could lose some function in his hands if it goes wrong, so please pray for God's guidance for his doctors on Monday!

Because I have been so stressed lately I know I may not express it enough, but I appreciate all the prayers, love, and support! (And I'm sorry if I've seemed super grouchy!!) <3

Yep

I'm tired and burnt out. That is all.

How is that for a post on my personal blog? haha Short and to the point!

Posting from my iPad

So I got an iPad yesterday, and I love it. This app for blogger stinks, though, because it was only designed for the iPhone not the iPad. It's the same app I use on my Android phone. I guess I probably could just use the Internet on here and post, but I love apps!

So, tomorrow we have mooselion's next evaluation. It was already determined that he has a significant speech delay, and though tomorrow is more of a "paperwork" appointment, it will be the first time the speech therapist meets him, so it's kind of a mini evaluation, too. As far as sensory concerns, we start here and address those later. We're quite familiar with the process!

Another process I'm quite familiar with is getting referrals from Tricare to specialty appointments. The way I had one handled today absolutely floored me! I called to make an appointment for the princess's Developmental Peds, and they asked me when the referral was made. I explained that I had the APPROVAL letter dated Feb 26. Now I know when a referral is put in both parties receive a letter. Sometimes they call you first, but generally I try to call them first because it's faster. I have never been told what they told me - they're only booking January's referrals, so it will be a month until somebody calls you. I said no, I am calling you, and I would like an appointment. I understand you're backed up, but I have the approval and would like to make an appointment. I was denied the appointment! I did their work for them and they said no! What kind of garbage is that? Lol So I'll be calling Tricare tomorrow to request a different provider. Looks like we might have to drive, but oh well. It's not like we're not used to that!

Oh, and if you like free stuff make sure you're following me on http://peaofsweetness.com I'm doing giveaways all month (and probably beyond!) :)

One evaluation down

Well, we had B's Speech Evaluation yesterday. We were hoping we would be able to start getting more therapy - speech and OT now that we've moved somewhere else. Well, after his speech evaluation it was decided he doesn't qualify for Speech Therapy. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean part of me wants to say "that's great because it means he's made enough progress to where they feel he no longer requires Speech Therapy," but part of me wants to say "how is that possible?". As for the OT part he has never been in OT, and I'm really hoping this time it will be different, but I'm questioning that as well because according to the letters we received concerning the referrals it looks like his PCM didn't even put in a referral for OT. Both of the letters for B said he was approved for a Speech evaluation and therapy (if needed). So, I'm going to have to call and get that straightened out I suppose. So, as of now, though, that is where we stand in that regard!

The princess has gotten a referral to Developmental Pediatrics for the evaluation in regards to sensory concerns. I was told we could either get referred to San Antonio or maybe even Dallas - or if we're REALLY lucky we might get referred to Scott and White (in regards to location - not profession because the Developmental Pediatricians in San Antonio were highly recommended by their PCM). Well, I guess we're really lucky in the regards to location then because we received a letter for the referral to Scott and White in Temple. It was quick, too! We were told sometimes that type of referral won't be put in and approved for up to 2 weeks, and we got it the following week. So, now I just need to call and make the appointment. How long it will take to actually be seen will be determined then I suppose!

Our next evaluation is coming up Thursday for the mooselion with Early Childhood Intervention. The initial evaluation will be for speech, and we'll go from there. (We have sensory concerns with him as well.) He has been trying to use his words a lot more as of the last couple of weeks, though, so that is reassuring, but I don't think a little push will hurt anything! His favorite words now are "up" and "milk" (along with the sign that he never wanted to do before! haha). The two tend to go together because he's usually saying he wants up to nurse. haha He has also started a new routine of giving me a kiss and muttering a couple syllables that I'd like to think are his way of saying "I love you" when he gets off my lap or leaves from beside me or whatever. It's so cute!

My husband "passed" his psych evaluation (if that's how to correctly say it) as far as the Bipolar Disorder is concerned I guess. That's the only thing I know really is that his written test was "normal." So that's good! Chemotherapy can affect a lot - including the nerve pulses in the brain in regards to mood/emotions, etc. So I'm glad it's not something more complex that requires more in-depth treatment.

I have my evaluations later this month.

And that's about it. "Bob" has been doing a few more things around the house, but again, it's nothing threatening or scary though in general can be a little creepy. Then again, "Bob" could be totally in our heads. Who knows? One thing that "Bob" is not doing is these major issues we're having with our technology. I got this wonderful new iMac, and it's beautiful. The first one I got lasted 3 weeks before mooselion smashed it on this lovely linoleum flooring in this old house. They replaced it, though! Phew!! I actually got the upgraded version, but it seems to run a little slower than the lower grade version. Not quite sure what's going on there. I mean I'm new to MACs, though, and it obviously runs better than my old PC, but I guess not as "good" as I expected. The graphics are GORGEOUS, though! The internet is my biggest issue - especially because I use it for so much - particularly business as well. It's driving me CRAZY! I don't think it's the computer, though. I think it's the actual internet. I think the router is terrible. I can't tell for sure, though, but whatever it is, is frustrating. And don't get me started on printer issues! UGH!! We now have THREE printers because we bought one new one after one of ours wasn't working properly, and this new one doesn't work either! It worked once with my computer and once with my husband's computer (thankfully it was enough to get my 500 expo postcards printed), and now it won't work with either of them! HP support even went in to my husband's computer and reset everything, and it still doesn't work. Junk! Now our all-in-one with fax is acting up as well! So printing just isn't happening right now, and it's super frustrating! Ah, the joys of technological issues! I seriously get frustrated easily, though, so I'm sure some people that would read this would just laugh at how frustrated I sound! LOL Now I'm going to try to sleep because the past 2 hours have been a waste. I was trying to find an address with no luck, and I was trying to print a postage label for an address I did have and the printer failed. Mooselion is still awake anyway. We've been trying to blame it on  his naps, but he didn't nap today for more than 30min, so THAT obviously isn't the issue! I think he's finally ready to sleep, though, and I'm beyond ready to sleep! Definitely a typical day/night around here! 

Blah

I seriously have been in such a horrible, sad/grouch/anti-social mood. Going to Houston this weekend was hard for me in more ways than one. I had to fight the fact that I was feeling down and anti-social and deal with the cost, which money in general was getting me down as well. Just like God knows me so well, though, our tax return came in early - while we were over there, so what a RELIEF! That helped a lot! I have been fighting major Fibro flare-ups, though. I'm not taking care of myself like I need to right now, which I totally acknowledge. I'm not drinking my Shakeology regularly, taking supplements, etc. I did find a WONDERFUL natural product that helps my headaches and pains. It also helps Joey's neuropathy and pain as well, so we ran out quickly! Oh, I need more! Naturally, I've decided to become a distributor because I don't have enough, right? LOL But it was free to become a distributor and I LOVE the Inspirin, so it just made sense to me! :) But anyway, so I had to call in a million times to get my Wellbutrin refilled just to have the Dr call and leave a voicemail lecturing me about not having an appt yet. As if I haven't tried! Everybody says you just have to push them. Yeah, calling them every day for a month isn't trying?? I don't have time for more than that! Well, I didn't want to take that high dose anymore because I have ZERO appetite - hence why I'm not eating well and taking care of myself - and I even feel nauseous most of the time! It's miserable! I told my Dr this, and he had decided to INCREASE my dose instead. Um, NO. I think I'll just wait until I have my appt with my psychiatrist at the end of March. I really do like my PCM, but for one, I can't EVER get an appt and for two, although I feel like he cares I did still feel like he didn't really LISTEN to me. So yeah, overall I've been feeling like poo, and it's totally affecting my mood. Not to mention last week I had my lovely cycle start up again. Yes, I'm glad it took over 18 months postpartum, but my fear I think might be true - it's going to be totally random, unpredictable, and as usual extremely painful and miserable. And wow was *I* miserable and VERY, VERY tired.

So I thought after we got through the weekend and the overwhelming things that come along with it - including trying to explain Sensory Processing Disorder to people who look at your daughter like she's either crazy or has a "bad attitude" is overwhelming. It's particularly overwhelming when you don't have an official diagnosis because surely people don't think parents actually know their own kids and know about different issues that exist. Seriously, once one child has something "different" you start to learn A LOT of other things as well. I'm not going to go into all of that right now because seriously just the thought that all 3 kids probably have special needs can be a bit overwhelming. I know it's obviously nothing we can't handle or God wouldn't have given us such a responsibility, but it's still overwhelming - particularly when people don't understand and would rather make it seem like you're a bad parent than admitting the child may have a legitimate condition. So anyway... I'll save those thoughts for another day because seriously my headache is so horrendous and my Fibro flare is so bad I am amazed I even typed this much. So yeah, so much for starting to feel better this week! Mentally/emotionally I feel a little better but the lack of sleep, Fibro flares, headaches, etc. are affecting my mood, too. Definitely ready for this to blow over. So, if I seem a bit "distant" this is definitely why. I'm truly just "out of it," but if you need me I'm still here! :)

Not sleeping...

So here it is - 3am and I'm not sleeping. This seems to be pretty normal lately. It's irritating. I was out on the couch with mooselion for a while until he stirred and wouldn't settle back to sleep. Then I brought him to bed (his room isn't ready yet, but even when I cleared his bed I got exhausted trying to get him to stay in it.) The truth is I hate going to bed. Don't get me wrong I LOVE sleep just hate going to bed. Going to bed is miserable! If mooselion falls asleep when I'm still out in the living room or office then I either stay out there until he wakes up and needs to be put back to sleep or risk putting him down which wakes him up and I have to put him back to sleep. So here are the scenarios:

He falls asleep before 10pm. I decide to go to bed at a decent hour - so before 11pm. The outcome is he wakes up and gets raging mad. He's crying, screaming, etc. While I'm trying to take out my contacts, take my medicine, wash my face, put on my Nerium, put on my pajamas, etc. (I've given up trying to shower at night although it's my preference). Sometimes I even skip some steps because the screaming is so bad or he has run into the bathroom screaming and pulling on my legs. Sometimes that emotional upset is all it takes and he can't go back to sleep. I should say that is often the case at that hour. So he nurses for a minute, calms down, and then just plain wakes up. He'll start jabbering and squealing and climbing all over me and my husband. I don't want him climbing all over my husband since he wakes up early, so I usually take him back out to the living room and watch TV at which point the rest of the night goes like the next scenario. Sometimes I'm lucky, though, and he stays asleep and I can even get up to finish any part of the night time routine I skipped and then go back to bed and actually go to sleep at a decent hour! That is very rare, though!

Second scenario is he falls asleep before 10pm and I stay right where I am - on the computer or on the couch - and just enjoy the quiet time by getting things done on the computer or playing games or watching TV. If I'm on the computer my arm and bottom may go numb, but I carefully adjust and keep him asleep. Then whenever he wakes up to where he needs help going back to sleep we come to bed, which is usually around 2am, and I still have the crying, screaming scenario and by this hour I'm so exhausted I barely do any of my nighttime routine! But generally he goes right back to sleep and we're good to go! I'm too exhausted to get back up to finish my nighttime routine, though. This scenario is generally the one that is played out the most, though, because I will do ANYTHING to postpone the screaming fit. I hate it! It stresses me out and increases my anxiety. With the first scenario I don't get enough quiet time to just dawdle on the computer but in the 2nd I'm up TOO late!

Then there is a weird combination of the 2 scenarios like tonight. Having one child that sleep walks and talks/ screams in her sleep coupled with this light sleeper is a BAD combination. Tonight is one of those nights! I heard the princess yelling a lot while I was still out in the living room watching a movie, which is another reason I opted for scenario 2 tonight to avoid her waking him. Well, after I came to bed and got him to sleep again she was yelling again. This time it was different, though. She was actually awake and needed toilet paper! Ugh! So I take care of that and mooselion is awake and fussing, but he then babbled something in his soft "happy voice." Uh oh. Then he was just restless! I was hoping he would just go back to sleep, but then the princess started yelling again. I asked my husband to go see what was going on so I wouldn't have to get up and disturb mooselion again, but it didn't matter! He got up right behind my husband and grabbed some toys and started playing! Ugh! So now it's about 4:15am and he's just now ready to go back to sleep AND now we have the princess in the bed with us, too! And I still haven't slept AT ALL! I do not like this scenario 3!!

So what about scenario 4? Put him to bed at 8:30 like the other 2 kids? By "to bed" that would mean IN bed because I ALWAYS try to get him to sleep at this time but generally nursed him while still at the computer trying to get things done, which would lead to scenario 1 or 2 because if I put him down he'd wake up. Well, as much as I love and NEED that time I realized if I took the 30 or so minutes away to put him to sleep I could get back up, enjoy my quiet time, AND do my nighttime routine in peace since he'd be asleep. WRONG! In this what would seem to be the "ideal" scenario I'd get back up around 9pm and in less than an hour he'd be up again EVERY time, so then I'd proceed into scenario 1 or 2 again!

I'm EXHAUSTED! I want to be able to shower at night again! I want to be able to have my quiet time at night without a toddler on me or wash my face and put on pajamas without a toddler screaming and pulling on my legs and slamming his head into me. So why not let him cry? Many reasons! For one, my anxiety is so bad I cannot handle it! I'm not sure how to describe it in a way that someone who doesn't have an anxiety could understand, so that's the best I can say it! Another issue is this is a tiny house with all linoleum floors and sound REALLY carries (hence the issue with the princess yelling in her sleep waking mooselion, and those are brief, sporadic yells - this is consistent loud screaming). It obviously wakes up my husband as well, so how could I just let it continue? And the kicker - the more upset he gets the more likely he'll wake up all over again and stay awake for a while. It's like he hits a breaking point (he gets to the point that he's so worked up he's almost vomiting in less than 30min and seriously that does NOT feel right to me regardless of what may seem "right" to others) and has to "reset" by seriously starting all over again from playing to winding down. He could be awake for another 2-3 HOURS after that!

And so here I am not sleeping and venting about it in a blog! Haha

What about Bob?

"Bob" is our reference to the strange happenings in our house as of recently. I'm not saying it's a ghost, spirit, entity, or whatever your reference is of such a being, but man does "Bob" give me chills sometimes!

This all started last week when my husband got a call from one of our Guild members from WoW (World of Warcraft - yes, we both play! I don't get to as much as I would like, but I still love it!) So, anyway, he asks if my husband was currently playing WoW. It was EARLY, but he was already at work! Apparently somebody had been on his account for a couple of hours!! Obviously, those of you that are familiar with the game know that people hack accounts all the time. My husband's HAS been hacked before, so that wouldn't be that odd - except he has an Authenticator on his account (as do I), which definitely makes it more secure. I'm sure there are way around it, and this moment seemed like one of those times. So, he goes in to check it out, and the "hacker" didn't steal anything, spend his gold, etc. In fact, he had MORE stuff. So, it's definitely not "typical" of a hacker, but hey, maybe they're generous! haha So he calls to get it all straightened out to see what happened and how somebody got on his account since he has an authenticator. They were completely puzzled. Not because somebody got into his account, but because that "somebody" did it from HIS computer. Whoever logged into his account and played for a couple of hours did so from the same IP address. It obviously wasn't me. I have my own account, so that wouldn't even make sense. Could it have been our 5 year old? I highly doubt it. He knows how to use a computer, but that would be pretty extreme! haha So we're just as confused as they are! He called again another time to verify that his authenticator was ok, and they told him the same thing - that the activity was from his computer! CRAZY! So we started making jokes that "Bob" must've been on his computer playing WoW.

So that situation was definitely perplexing. We just can't figure it out, so we just kept making that joke. Well, later on in the week creepy things started happening. This is an old house, and it makes a lot of noises, and it took a bit, but I've gotten used to them. I've seen the way air pressure works and what doors may close or open based on air pressure. Well, the laundry room door is not one of them. I can see the door from my computer. I heard a noise in the laundry room - and watched the door shut. o.0  So that was a little creepy to me! My husband went in there to see what fell or whatever to make that noise and saw nothing out of the ordinary - besides the fact that the door was now closed, of course.

Moving on to the other night... so I do get spooked easily. If somebody comes up behind me, and I don't see them that FREAKS ME OUT. It's that "element of surprise" type. As far as seeing "crazy" things and whatnot it doesn't always freak me out. But seriously, the other night I was TOTALLY on edge. We'd already been hearing some weird noises though weren't sure where they were coming from. Both computers were on, so it easily could have been something on one of them. But after my husband went to bed I stayed up longer holding sleeping mooselion on my lap and playing silly games on Facebook... kind of like tonight! haha I heard some noises and just wasn't sure what it was. Then I clearly heard "momma, momma." It was not one of our children's voices! Creepy! After getting over the intial creeps I realized it must be one of the princess's baby dolls, though I could not figure out which doll even sounds like that at that moment, so I still felt kind of creeped out. So at that point I went to bed! I even felt so jittery I didn't want to go back out of the room to get something I forgot! Then, around 3 am I heard talking. It sounded like the princess - and she is definitely one that talks in her sleep (and screams and other random things that she does while sound asleep). But this was just so different. I don't know how to explain it! It just really gave me a creepy feeling. After I finally started dozing off my stinkin phone vibrates for a "Hanging with Friends" notification and I just about jumped out of the bed! LOL

So the next day I, of course, have to try to figure out which baby doll it was. My husband insists it was not one of her dolls because apparently he heard it, too. I listened to the only doll that it could be, and it wasn't quite the same, but it was good enough for me to say it must be that doll (and besides none of the other dolls were it). My husband made a point, though, that yes the doll says "momma" but it follows a sequence, so it shouldn't have said it twice in a row. I was still convinced, though, that this was the doll, and the mystery was solved (well, and the talking was just her talking in her sleep - you can't really verify that one). So, I asked her if she was sleeping with her doll that night (figuring she rolled over it and that's what made it go off). She told me no, because that doll was missing that night. CREEPY! I waited a while and asked her in a different way what stuffed animals/toys she slept with. She told me, and that doll was not on the list, so I said "oh, you didn't sleep with your baby you got at Christmas?" She said "No, I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find her. She must have been hiding."  Oh my goodness it just freaks me out.

So "Bob" has me on edge all of the time wondering if any other creepy things will happen. So what about Bob? Could this be a "Bob" or are all the creepy events just totally unrelated? My mind is not set on one way or another, but I can tell you I am certainly more jumpy!!

Bad Mom Day

Today was one of those "bad mom" days where you just want to hide all alone with nothing around and play Castleville or the Zoo game on your phone or something. haha I needed to make so many phone calls and can say I only TRULY accomplished one. I tried to call my doctor with no luck. I'm supposed to have a follow up with him next week to talk about the fact that he increased my Wellbutrin and see how that is going. Well, he made a mathematical error. He was supposed to give me 40 days worth to give me a 10-day cushion in case I can't get an appointment (because I knew that would be the case), and instead he only gave me 20 days worth. He didn't account for the fact that I am prescribed to take 4 of them a day instead of 2 now. So today I resorted to calling the phone number he gave me, which I was under the impression was his direct line. NOPE. It's the line to that clinic, and it was busy ALL DAY. So much for that route! If I call the appointment line all they say is they have NOTHING available and to keep calling back. Sometimes I just want to ask them if they have tried to make phone calls with 3 kids and how productive they were with that, because I, unfortunately, am NOT, and I'm lucky to get in like 3 phone calls a week - let alone one EVERY day. But I'll try again tomorrow I guess.

In the meantime, though, I did get a referral in to Early Intervention for mooselion. I really don't suspect Autism spectrum (though possibly Sensory Processing Disorder, which one can argue is the same thing. I suspect the princess has it, too. Yes, we have lots of doctor's visits ahead of us!). He does only have *maybe* 3-5 words. His comprehension is outstanding, though, which is already a major difference than when B was his age. B had no words and it was hard to talk to him sometimes because you could really tell that what you were saying just didn't mean anything to him sometimes. So I have to say there is some relief that his comprehension is so high. But what do you get when you have a toddler with good comprehension and no words? One that tries to do things "his way," of course! I have tried to do traditional signs with him, and he will NOT have it! In fact, if I sign something to him he will slap at my hands and say "uh uh!" (No) while shaking his head no. He does not WANT to do signs. I know he can because I've seen him do it, but he is just so darn stubborn and set in his ways! He knows how to get his point across! He wants a drink? He'll grab my hand and take me to the refrigerator and point to what he wants. He wants to nurse? Well, let's just say I'm glad he doesn't usually express that in public! LOL He just comes up, lays down on my lap, and pulls at my shirt. He needs a diaper change? He comes over, turns around and points to his diaper. So he does have ways of communicating, which is awesome. Not so awesome is I'm trying not to give in to these wordless communications by encouraging him to use words, and he just gets ANGRY! So, because it always seems to go a little better when there is professional intervention stepping in I am so happy to get him started! I'm not sure why anybody WOULDN'T put their child in any type of therapy if they qualify for it. It can only make them better! I have a feeling once he gets going with his words he'll just talk! He will seriously go on and on about nothing with so much expression on his face and pointing to things, shrugging his shoulders, etc. He really is a cool little guy - when he's not yelling and slapping at me! LOL

So since I at least got that phone call out of the way next on my agenda is to call my Dr again tomorrow and see if I can get through. In the meantime I'm going to take advantage of my right to self-refer to a Psychiatrist. I already have the name and number of one my new friend (and we're basically neighbors - yay!) recommends, and we have a lot of similarities, so I'm excited to see this Doctor! I can obviously talk to him as well about the medications to see what would be best. My PCM was almost offended that I wanted to go to a Psych! That was backwards than what I'm used to! Most PCMs WANT to send me to Psych since I have Fibromyalgia. There is such a stigma that goes with it! My husband's new neurologist responded to his telling him I have Fibro that he "doesn't know what that is. It doesn't really exist." o.0  A neurologist?? In other countries Fibromyalgia is recognized as a NEUROLOGICAL disorder. In fact, the medications they have suggested for my husband's Chemo Induced Peripheral Neuropathy are the same as what they would suggest for a patient with Fibro! And it helps many of them!! I have been blessed to have been able to find the right kind of supplements and the super foods in Shakeology to not have to take all kinds of medications. As if what I take anyway isn't enough! I was SO glad to get off the other ones!

Wow, bunny trails. Lots and lots of bunny trails - which leads right into my point! I'm so excited that for once I'm getting doctor appointments scheduled for ME. I know that sounds crazy, but when you have been taking care of your husband during cancer treatment, a child on the Autism spectrum, a baby with a heart defect (which, by the way, seems to be almost completely closed - there is no more murmur! Praise the Lord!), and throw in a child in between - well, naturally, my appointments got put off a bit. Last I knew I DO have some neurological issues and I need a sleep study. I guess I still need to get that one worked out. I also was finding out I have a mild case of OCD and possibly ADD. See, this is where the bunny trails come in! I do it - A LOT. Obviously there is SO much more than that, but I need a proper evaluation, and all I got before was the suggestion that I should get the evaluations, and then I never got around to scheduling them. So this doctor that I will be trying to see will be able to do all of that! Ultimately, knowing for sure could change up the medication I do take in a major way as well! So it's not that I don't trust my PCM, and I actually like him a lot, which is rare! haha I do feel, though, that I need to go to a mental health professional who can sort through the more complicated things, and hopefully I'll finally start getting some clear answers!

So I pray tomorrow will not be a "bad mommy" day where I feel like I need to hide for a while because well, I WON'T go hide, which means I also won't get these phone calls in! Come on anti-grouch potion - make mooselion the happiest toddler ever tomorrow!!

Moody

I seriously need to chill out! Lack of sleep, grumpy toddler, change in medication, and then the flu - it just really got to me! I should say it IS getting to me because today was surely no exception! Oh my goodness! The mooselion is such an unhappy toddler and it just gets to be SO exhausting! My dear husband is also feeling down and here I am being a grouch! It needs to stop. I know this!

Friday I was at a retreat at church, and though my business booth didn't do well I had such a great time it didn't really matter! It was exactly what I needed! Not just some time away from the kids (though I did need that, too), but just a chance to connect with others and really tune in to God. It was awesome! I laughed, I cried, I sang and danced, and I prayed and was touched. One thing I really felt was that I do need to step out of my comfort zone - to love people, to touch people, to be that light to people - and most importantly to show that love better within my home! We have had some hard times, but in those times I have been able to influence people in ways I never understood. In all the times I thought people could only see the negative - my hurting, my frustration, my sadness, etc. They also saw my love, my hope, and my faith. How much more could I show that if I focused more on sharing that instead of the negative! I'm human and sometimes I need to get the negative out. Sometimes I need to talk to a friend or family member and all of the time I need to just spill it all out to God because he takes my brokenness and makes me new. Completely new!

I felt all of that in one day! Imagine if I hadn't gotten the flu from the kids I would've had another day there! I'm so bummed I missed the 2nd day, but sometimes things like that just happen. Still, I was eager to begin a new journey - not only sharing positive out of the negative but actually FOCUSING on it. I want to embrace it! I want to break down walls of being unforgiving, walls of not forgiving MYSELF, walls of hurt and pain and all kinds of negative emotions and go forth with love.

I want to, and I need to continue to pray and seek God because I realize there is still some refining to do! I know it's human to be moody or "down" and to experience disappointment in others as well as myself, but I want to change how I deal with this, and today did not reflect this at all! I was negative, moody, discouraged and discouraging, and just overall a downer!

Yes, this is not where I want to be. It's a journey, and I have to start somewhere. I have to start over and take it one step at a time - starting with forgiving myself for today and asking God to forgive me and help me move forward. If I have wronged you, please forgive me. If you have wronged me please know I forgive you. If I have ever held you to unreachable standards please know I'm breaking them down. I won't let earthly standards bind me, either. It doesn't matter what I or anybody else thinks - you are a child of God, and He loves you!

I know I have a long way to go on this journey, but I pray I will be a blessing to you and not a cursing - that I will lift you up and not tear you down. I pray I will be more conscious of the things I say, think, and feel about people and that when I slip (like today) you will gently remind me to get back on track. I appreciate you! Be blessed!

Merging

Well, I'm actually going to start posting personal blogs on my Pea of Sweetness website. Basically the every day happenings and whatnot. More personal blogs will stay here I think. I haven't completely decided! LOL I WILL be keeping this blog, though! I just took the time to re-do it and merge it with my old one! I'll decide more as I start laying out my website and go from there! I will probably just do a copy and paste of the general personal blogs from here to there or there to here. I'm just trying to get it all figured out what is best! I don't want it to be a "business only" blog because that's not personal enough, but I don't think I want it to be TOO personal either because that might take away from the business aspect of it. I will be prayerfully considering all the options. I know I need a boost for my businesses, and I know God will lead me in the right direction if I seek His guidance! :-)

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Reminder Fail

I seriously set a phone reminder to remind me to blog at least once every 3 days. I'm sure that sounds pathetic, but it's not that I don't WANT to blog - I forget! So if I don't set a reminder it would probably never happen - as you may have noticed in the past. Well, even my reminder was a fail. For whatever reason I dismissed my reminder as if I had actually completed a blog post. I'm pretty sure I DID make a blog post, but not for here - my personal blog. I must have accidentally dismissed the wrong reminder! I seriously am just "out there" sometimes! I mean I can't even remember to blog when I DO have a reminder! LOL But I realize if I wasn't the little bit of crazy that I am people wouldn't enjoy reading my random, crazy stories as much!

"Crazy" sums it up for sure! It has been crazy! I took moose-lion to the doctor on Monday because I just had a feeling something was wrong. I know he's having a hard time adjusting, but he was just acting more and more miserable! I'm so glad scheduling appointments for the kids here was SO easy! I, on the other hand, had no luck scheduling one for myself! But anyway, he has a double ear infection! Poor guy! Do you know how AWFUL I feel?? I mean, how long as he had this!? She said it was BAD! We're not used to ear infections in this house. B had one once right around his first birthday, and the princess had one when she was 2 1/2, and they both had a fever with theirs. I've been checking moose-lion's temperature often because I was so concerned, and he NEVER had a fever. His temperature hasn't even been slightly elevated! Talk about feeling like a mom fail on that one! The doctor he saw, though, was SUPER sweet, AND she even made it happen for me to get in to see MY doctor even though it's a different clinic and everything! Wow! Talk about a refreshing change! I know it's always hit or miss with doctors, but it really made me feel great that our first experience with doctors here was so positive! Well, I mean the visit itself - not the experience of finding out about the ear infections!! Hopefully, it will clear up quickly and he'll start feeling better! His clingy moods and not sleeping well is starting to get to me as well! I'm writing a blog at 1:30am for crying out loud! haha We just bought him a whole new bedroom - toddler race car bed with "Cars" bedding, dresser, toy chest, and lots of "Cars" accessories. I think B was a little disappointed it wasn't for him, but I explained it's a smaller bed anyway! I think he's still a little disappointed, so I'm trying to turn it into a positive experience - his little brother likes the same things as him, so that means he's a great big brother! :) This bed makes it possible for me to actually lay in it with him and nurse him right there in his bed - then get up and LEAVE! I don't hate co-sleeping by any means, but I'm just not getting any sleep - and neither is he! He was doing SO well (finally) sleeping in his own room before we moved! So I'm hoping it gets back to that soon!!

Basically, our life is still a bit chaotic. There are still boxes EVERYWHERE! The house we're living in is falling apart - literally. The handle fell off the pantry door today, and yesterday when it was raining there was a steady stream of water coming from the bathroom vent/fan. LOL I'm so grateful to be in a house, though, so it's easy to laugh it off! The boxes definitely need to hurry up and unpack themselves and go away! Losing 800 sqft of space = crowded!! I can't stand it, but it's taking me forever to get it done! One day...

And a change to my blog: I will now be referring to our oldest as "B" from now on. The "privacy name" I gave him (Bubs) just doesn't fit anymore! Moose-lion has inherited the nickname "Bubby," so whenever I type anything remotely close it makes me think more of him! He will still be referred to as moose-lion, though, just because I love that one! haha I do think moose-lion is finally sleeping, so I'm going to try to get some sleep as well! I have a BUSY day tomorrow!