Not sleeping...

So here it is - 3am and I'm not sleeping. This seems to be pretty normal lately. It's irritating. I was out on the couch with mooselion for a while until he stirred and wouldn't settle back to sleep. Then I brought him to bed (his room isn't ready yet, but even when I cleared his bed I got exhausted trying to get him to stay in it.) The truth is I hate going to bed. Don't get me wrong I LOVE sleep just hate going to bed. Going to bed is miserable! If mooselion falls asleep when I'm still out in the living room or office then I either stay out there until he wakes up and needs to be put back to sleep or risk putting him down which wakes him up and I have to put him back to sleep. So here are the scenarios:

He falls asleep before 10pm. I decide to go to bed at a decent hour - so before 11pm. The outcome is he wakes up and gets raging mad. He's crying, screaming, etc. While I'm trying to take out my contacts, take my medicine, wash my face, put on my Nerium, put on my pajamas, etc. (I've given up trying to shower at night although it's my preference). Sometimes I even skip some steps because the screaming is so bad or he has run into the bathroom screaming and pulling on my legs. Sometimes that emotional upset is all it takes and he can't go back to sleep. I should say that is often the case at that hour. So he nurses for a minute, calms down, and then just plain wakes up. He'll start jabbering and squealing and climbing all over me and my husband. I don't want him climbing all over my husband since he wakes up early, so I usually take him back out to the living room and watch TV at which point the rest of the night goes like the next scenario. Sometimes I'm lucky, though, and he stays asleep and I can even get up to finish any part of the night time routine I skipped and then go back to bed and actually go to sleep at a decent hour! That is very rare, though!

Second scenario is he falls asleep before 10pm and I stay right where I am - on the computer or on the couch - and just enjoy the quiet time by getting things done on the computer or playing games or watching TV. If I'm on the computer my arm and bottom may go numb, but I carefully adjust and keep him asleep. Then whenever he wakes up to where he needs help going back to sleep we come to bed, which is usually around 2am, and I still have the crying, screaming scenario and by this hour I'm so exhausted I barely do any of my nighttime routine! But generally he goes right back to sleep and we're good to go! I'm too exhausted to get back up to finish my nighttime routine, though. This scenario is generally the one that is played out the most, though, because I will do ANYTHING to postpone the screaming fit. I hate it! It stresses me out and increases my anxiety. With the first scenario I don't get enough quiet time to just dawdle on the computer but in the 2nd I'm up TOO late!

Then there is a weird combination of the 2 scenarios like tonight. Having one child that sleep walks and talks/ screams in her sleep coupled with this light sleeper is a BAD combination. Tonight is one of those nights! I heard the princess yelling a lot while I was still out in the living room watching a movie, which is another reason I opted for scenario 2 tonight to avoid her waking him. Well, after I came to bed and got him to sleep again she was yelling again. This time it was different, though. She was actually awake and needed toilet paper! Ugh! So I take care of that and mooselion is awake and fussing, but he then babbled something in his soft "happy voice." Uh oh. Then he was just restless! I was hoping he would just go back to sleep, but then the princess started yelling again. I asked my husband to go see what was going on so I wouldn't have to get up and disturb mooselion again, but it didn't matter! He got up right behind my husband and grabbed some toys and started playing! Ugh! So now it's about 4:15am and he's just now ready to go back to sleep AND now we have the princess in the bed with us, too! And I still haven't slept AT ALL! I do not like this scenario 3!!

So what about scenario 4? Put him to bed at 8:30 like the other 2 kids? By "to bed" that would mean IN bed because I ALWAYS try to get him to sleep at this time but generally nursed him while still at the computer trying to get things done, which would lead to scenario 1 or 2 because if I put him down he'd wake up. Well, as much as I love and NEED that time I realized if I took the 30 or so minutes away to put him to sleep I could get back up, enjoy my quiet time, AND do my nighttime routine in peace since he'd be asleep. WRONG! In this what would seem to be the "ideal" scenario I'd get back up around 9pm and in less than an hour he'd be up again EVERY time, so then I'd proceed into scenario 1 or 2 again!

I'm EXHAUSTED! I want to be able to shower at night again! I want to be able to have my quiet time at night without a toddler on me or wash my face and put on pajamas without a toddler screaming and pulling on my legs and slamming his head into me. So why not let him cry? Many reasons! For one, my anxiety is so bad I cannot handle it! I'm not sure how to describe it in a way that someone who doesn't have an anxiety could understand, so that's the best I can say it! Another issue is this is a tiny house with all linoleum floors and sound REALLY carries (hence the issue with the princess yelling in her sleep waking mooselion, and those are brief, sporadic yells - this is consistent loud screaming). It obviously wakes up my husband as well, so how could I just let it continue? And the kicker - the more upset he gets the more likely he'll wake up all over again and stay awake for a while. It's like he hits a breaking point (he gets to the point that he's so worked up he's almost vomiting in less than 30min and seriously that does NOT feel right to me regardless of what may seem "right" to others) and has to "reset" by seriously starting all over again from playing to winding down. He could be awake for another 2-3 HOURS after that!

And so here I am not sleeping and venting about it in a blog! Haha