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I seriously have been in such a horrible, sad/grouch/anti-social mood. Going to Houston this weekend was hard for me in more ways than one. I had to fight the fact that I was feeling down and anti-social and deal with the cost, which money in general was getting me down as well. Just like God knows me so well, though, our tax return came in early - while we were over there, so what a RELIEF! That helped a lot! I have been fighting major Fibro flare-ups, though. I'm not taking care of myself like I need to right now, which I totally acknowledge. I'm not drinking my Shakeology regularly, taking supplements, etc. I did find a WONDERFUL natural product that helps my headaches and pains. It also helps Joey's neuropathy and pain as well, so we ran out quickly! Oh, I need more! Naturally, I've decided to become a distributor because I don't have enough, right? LOL But it was free to become a distributor and I LOVE the Inspirin, so it just made sense to me! :) But anyway, so I had to call in a million times to get my Wellbutrin refilled just to have the Dr call and leave a voicemail lecturing me about not having an appt yet. As if I haven't tried! Everybody says you just have to push them. Yeah, calling them every day for a month isn't trying?? I don't have time for more than that! Well, I didn't want to take that high dose anymore because I have ZERO appetite - hence why I'm not eating well and taking care of myself - and I even feel nauseous most of the time! It's miserable! I told my Dr this, and he had decided to INCREASE my dose instead. Um, NO. I think I'll just wait until I have my appt with my psychiatrist at the end of March. I really do like my PCM, but for one, I can't EVER get an appt and for two, although I feel like he cares I did still feel like he didn't really LISTEN to me. So yeah, overall I've been feeling like poo, and it's totally affecting my mood. Not to mention last week I had my lovely cycle start up again. Yes, I'm glad it took over 18 months postpartum, but my fear I think might be true - it's going to be totally random, unpredictable, and as usual extremely painful and miserable. And wow was *I* miserable and VERY, VERY tired.

So I thought after we got through the weekend and the overwhelming things that come along with it - including trying to explain Sensory Processing Disorder to people who look at your daughter like she's either crazy or has a "bad attitude" is overwhelming. It's particularly overwhelming when you don't have an official diagnosis because surely people don't think parents actually know their own kids and know about different issues that exist. Seriously, once one child has something "different" you start to learn A LOT of other things as well. I'm not going to go into all of that right now because seriously just the thought that all 3 kids probably have special needs can be a bit overwhelming. I know it's obviously nothing we can't handle or God wouldn't have given us such a responsibility, but it's still overwhelming - particularly when people don't understand and would rather make it seem like you're a bad parent than admitting the child may have a legitimate condition. So anyway... I'll save those thoughts for another day because seriously my headache is so horrendous and my Fibro flare is so bad I am amazed I even typed this much. So yeah, so much for starting to feel better this week! Mentally/emotionally I feel a little better but the lack of sleep, Fibro flares, headaches, etc. are affecting my mood, too. Definitely ready for this to blow over. So, if I seem a bit "distant" this is definitely why. I'm truly just "out of it," but if you need me I'm still here! :)

Not sleeping...

So here it is - 3am and I'm not sleeping. This seems to be pretty normal lately. It's irritating. I was out on the couch with mooselion for a while until he stirred and wouldn't settle back to sleep. Then I brought him to bed (his room isn't ready yet, but even when I cleared his bed I got exhausted trying to get him to stay in it.) The truth is I hate going to bed. Don't get me wrong I LOVE sleep just hate going to bed. Going to bed is miserable! If mooselion falls asleep when I'm still out in the living room or office then I either stay out there until he wakes up and needs to be put back to sleep or risk putting him down which wakes him up and I have to put him back to sleep. So here are the scenarios:

He falls asleep before 10pm. I decide to go to bed at a decent hour - so before 11pm. The outcome is he wakes up and gets raging mad. He's crying, screaming, etc. While I'm trying to take out my contacts, take my medicine, wash my face, put on my Nerium, put on my pajamas, etc. (I've given up trying to shower at night although it's my preference). Sometimes I even skip some steps because the screaming is so bad or he has run into the bathroom screaming and pulling on my legs. Sometimes that emotional upset is all it takes and he can't go back to sleep. I should say that is often the case at that hour. So he nurses for a minute, calms down, and then just plain wakes up. He'll start jabbering and squealing and climbing all over me and my husband. I don't want him climbing all over my husband since he wakes up early, so I usually take him back out to the living room and watch TV at which point the rest of the night goes like the next scenario. Sometimes I'm lucky, though, and he stays asleep and I can even get up to finish any part of the night time routine I skipped and then go back to bed and actually go to sleep at a decent hour! That is very rare, though!

Second scenario is he falls asleep before 10pm and I stay right where I am - on the computer or on the couch - and just enjoy the quiet time by getting things done on the computer or playing games or watching TV. If I'm on the computer my arm and bottom may go numb, but I carefully adjust and keep him asleep. Then whenever he wakes up to where he needs help going back to sleep we come to bed, which is usually around 2am, and I still have the crying, screaming scenario and by this hour I'm so exhausted I barely do any of my nighttime routine! But generally he goes right back to sleep and we're good to go! I'm too exhausted to get back up to finish my nighttime routine, though. This scenario is generally the one that is played out the most, though, because I will do ANYTHING to postpone the screaming fit. I hate it! It stresses me out and increases my anxiety. With the first scenario I don't get enough quiet time to just dawdle on the computer but in the 2nd I'm up TOO late!

Then there is a weird combination of the 2 scenarios like tonight. Having one child that sleep walks and talks/ screams in her sleep coupled with this light sleeper is a BAD combination. Tonight is one of those nights! I heard the princess yelling a lot while I was still out in the living room watching a movie, which is another reason I opted for scenario 2 tonight to avoid her waking him. Well, after I came to bed and got him to sleep again she was yelling again. This time it was different, though. She was actually awake and needed toilet paper! Ugh! So I take care of that and mooselion is awake and fussing, but he then babbled something in his soft "happy voice." Uh oh. Then he was just restless! I was hoping he would just go back to sleep, but then the princess started yelling again. I asked my husband to go see what was going on so I wouldn't have to get up and disturb mooselion again, but it didn't matter! He got up right behind my husband and grabbed some toys and started playing! Ugh! So now it's about 4:15am and he's just now ready to go back to sleep AND now we have the princess in the bed with us, too! And I still haven't slept AT ALL! I do not like this scenario 3!!

So what about scenario 4? Put him to bed at 8:30 like the other 2 kids? By "to bed" that would mean IN bed because I ALWAYS try to get him to sleep at this time but generally nursed him while still at the computer trying to get things done, which would lead to scenario 1 or 2 because if I put him down he'd wake up. Well, as much as I love and NEED that time I realized if I took the 30 or so minutes away to put him to sleep I could get back up, enjoy my quiet time, AND do my nighttime routine in peace since he'd be asleep. WRONG! In this what would seem to be the "ideal" scenario I'd get back up around 9pm and in less than an hour he'd be up again EVERY time, so then I'd proceed into scenario 1 or 2 again!

I'm EXHAUSTED! I want to be able to shower at night again! I want to be able to have my quiet time at night without a toddler on me or wash my face and put on pajamas without a toddler screaming and pulling on my legs and slamming his head into me. So why not let him cry? Many reasons! For one, my anxiety is so bad I cannot handle it! I'm not sure how to describe it in a way that someone who doesn't have an anxiety could understand, so that's the best I can say it! Another issue is this is a tiny house with all linoleum floors and sound REALLY carries (hence the issue with the princess yelling in her sleep waking mooselion, and those are brief, sporadic yells - this is consistent loud screaming). It obviously wakes up my husband as well, so how could I just let it continue? And the kicker - the more upset he gets the more likely he'll wake up all over again and stay awake for a while. It's like he hits a breaking point (he gets to the point that he's so worked up he's almost vomiting in less than 30min and seriously that does NOT feel right to me regardless of what may seem "right" to others) and has to "reset" by seriously starting all over again from playing to winding down. He could be awake for another 2-3 HOURS after that!

And so here I am not sleeping and venting about it in a blog! Haha

What about Bob?

"Bob" is our reference to the strange happenings in our house as of recently. I'm not saying it's a ghost, spirit, entity, or whatever your reference is of such a being, but man does "Bob" give me chills sometimes!

This all started last week when my husband got a call from one of our Guild members from WoW (World of Warcraft - yes, we both play! I don't get to as much as I would like, but I still love it!) So, anyway, he asks if my husband was currently playing WoW. It was EARLY, but he was already at work! Apparently somebody had been on his account for a couple of hours!! Obviously, those of you that are familiar with the game know that people hack accounts all the time. My husband's HAS been hacked before, so that wouldn't be that odd - except he has an Authenticator on his account (as do I), which definitely makes it more secure. I'm sure there are way around it, and this moment seemed like one of those times. So, he goes in to check it out, and the "hacker" didn't steal anything, spend his gold, etc. In fact, he had MORE stuff. So, it's definitely not "typical" of a hacker, but hey, maybe they're generous! haha So he calls to get it all straightened out to see what happened and how somebody got on his account since he has an authenticator. They were completely puzzled. Not because somebody got into his account, but because that "somebody" did it from HIS computer. Whoever logged into his account and played for a couple of hours did so from the same IP address. It obviously wasn't me. I have my own account, so that wouldn't even make sense. Could it have been our 5 year old? I highly doubt it. He knows how to use a computer, but that would be pretty extreme! haha So we're just as confused as they are! He called again another time to verify that his authenticator was ok, and they told him the same thing - that the activity was from his computer! CRAZY! So we started making jokes that "Bob" must've been on his computer playing WoW.

So that situation was definitely perplexing. We just can't figure it out, so we just kept making that joke. Well, later on in the week creepy things started happening. This is an old house, and it makes a lot of noises, and it took a bit, but I've gotten used to them. I've seen the way air pressure works and what doors may close or open based on air pressure. Well, the laundry room door is not one of them. I can see the door from my computer. I heard a noise in the laundry room - and watched the door shut. o.0  So that was a little creepy to me! My husband went in there to see what fell or whatever to make that noise and saw nothing out of the ordinary - besides the fact that the door was now closed, of course.

Moving on to the other night... so I do get spooked easily. If somebody comes up behind me, and I don't see them that FREAKS ME OUT. It's that "element of surprise" type. As far as seeing "crazy" things and whatnot it doesn't always freak me out. But seriously, the other night I was TOTALLY on edge. We'd already been hearing some weird noises though weren't sure where they were coming from. Both computers were on, so it easily could have been something on one of them. But after my husband went to bed I stayed up longer holding sleeping mooselion on my lap and playing silly games on Facebook... kind of like tonight! haha I heard some noises and just wasn't sure what it was. Then I clearly heard "momma, momma." It was not one of our children's voices! Creepy! After getting over the intial creeps I realized it must be one of the princess's baby dolls, though I could not figure out which doll even sounds like that at that moment, so I still felt kind of creeped out. So at that point I went to bed! I even felt so jittery I didn't want to go back out of the room to get something I forgot! Then, around 3 am I heard talking. It sounded like the princess - and she is definitely one that talks in her sleep (and screams and other random things that she does while sound asleep). But this was just so different. I don't know how to explain it! It just really gave me a creepy feeling. After I finally started dozing off my stinkin phone vibrates for a "Hanging with Friends" notification and I just about jumped out of the bed! LOL

So the next day I, of course, have to try to figure out which baby doll it was. My husband insists it was not one of her dolls because apparently he heard it, too. I listened to the only doll that it could be, and it wasn't quite the same, but it was good enough for me to say it must be that doll (and besides none of the other dolls were it). My husband made a point, though, that yes the doll says "momma" but it follows a sequence, so it shouldn't have said it twice in a row. I was still convinced, though, that this was the doll, and the mystery was solved (well, and the talking was just her talking in her sleep - you can't really verify that one). So, I asked her if she was sleeping with her doll that night (figuring she rolled over it and that's what made it go off). She told me no, because that doll was missing that night. CREEPY! I waited a while and asked her in a different way what stuffed animals/toys she slept with. She told me, and that doll was not on the list, so I said "oh, you didn't sleep with your baby you got at Christmas?" She said "No, I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find her. She must have been hiding."  Oh my goodness it just freaks me out.

So "Bob" has me on edge all of the time wondering if any other creepy things will happen. So what about Bob? Could this be a "Bob" or are all the creepy events just totally unrelated? My mind is not set on one way or another, but I can tell you I am certainly more jumpy!!

Bad Mom Day

Today was one of those "bad mom" days where you just want to hide all alone with nothing around and play Castleville or the Zoo game on your phone or something. haha I needed to make so many phone calls and can say I only TRULY accomplished one. I tried to call my doctor with no luck. I'm supposed to have a follow up with him next week to talk about the fact that he increased my Wellbutrin and see how that is going. Well, he made a mathematical error. He was supposed to give me 40 days worth to give me a 10-day cushion in case I can't get an appointment (because I knew that would be the case), and instead he only gave me 20 days worth. He didn't account for the fact that I am prescribed to take 4 of them a day instead of 2 now. So today I resorted to calling the phone number he gave me, which I was under the impression was his direct line. NOPE. It's the line to that clinic, and it was busy ALL DAY. So much for that route! If I call the appointment line all they say is they have NOTHING available and to keep calling back. Sometimes I just want to ask them if they have tried to make phone calls with 3 kids and how productive they were with that, because I, unfortunately, am NOT, and I'm lucky to get in like 3 phone calls a week - let alone one EVERY day. But I'll try again tomorrow I guess.

In the meantime, though, I did get a referral in to Early Intervention for mooselion. I really don't suspect Autism spectrum (though possibly Sensory Processing Disorder, which one can argue is the same thing. I suspect the princess has it, too. Yes, we have lots of doctor's visits ahead of us!). He does only have *maybe* 3-5 words. His comprehension is outstanding, though, which is already a major difference than when B was his age. B had no words and it was hard to talk to him sometimes because you could really tell that what you were saying just didn't mean anything to him sometimes. So I have to say there is some relief that his comprehension is so high. But what do you get when you have a toddler with good comprehension and no words? One that tries to do things "his way," of course! I have tried to do traditional signs with him, and he will NOT have it! In fact, if I sign something to him he will slap at my hands and say "uh uh!" (No) while shaking his head no. He does not WANT to do signs. I know he can because I've seen him do it, but he is just so darn stubborn and set in his ways! He knows how to get his point across! He wants a drink? He'll grab my hand and take me to the refrigerator and point to what he wants. He wants to nurse? Well, let's just say I'm glad he doesn't usually express that in public! LOL He just comes up, lays down on my lap, and pulls at my shirt. He needs a diaper change? He comes over, turns around and points to his diaper. So he does have ways of communicating, which is awesome. Not so awesome is I'm trying not to give in to these wordless communications by encouraging him to use words, and he just gets ANGRY! So, because it always seems to go a little better when there is professional intervention stepping in I am so happy to get him started! I'm not sure why anybody WOULDN'T put their child in any type of therapy if they qualify for it. It can only make them better! I have a feeling once he gets going with his words he'll just talk! He will seriously go on and on about nothing with so much expression on his face and pointing to things, shrugging his shoulders, etc. He really is a cool little guy - when he's not yelling and slapping at me! LOL

So since I at least got that phone call out of the way next on my agenda is to call my Dr again tomorrow and see if I can get through. In the meantime I'm going to take advantage of my right to self-refer to a Psychiatrist. I already have the name and number of one my new friend (and we're basically neighbors - yay!) recommends, and we have a lot of similarities, so I'm excited to see this Doctor! I can obviously talk to him as well about the medications to see what would be best. My PCM was almost offended that I wanted to go to a Psych! That was backwards than what I'm used to! Most PCMs WANT to send me to Psych since I have Fibromyalgia. There is such a stigma that goes with it! My husband's new neurologist responded to his telling him I have Fibro that he "doesn't know what that is. It doesn't really exist." o.0  A neurologist?? In other countries Fibromyalgia is recognized as a NEUROLOGICAL disorder. In fact, the medications they have suggested for my husband's Chemo Induced Peripheral Neuropathy are the same as what they would suggest for a patient with Fibro! And it helps many of them!! I have been blessed to have been able to find the right kind of supplements and the super foods in Shakeology to not have to take all kinds of medications. As if what I take anyway isn't enough! I was SO glad to get off the other ones!

Wow, bunny trails. Lots and lots of bunny trails - which leads right into my point! I'm so excited that for once I'm getting doctor appointments scheduled for ME. I know that sounds crazy, but when you have been taking care of your husband during cancer treatment, a child on the Autism spectrum, a baby with a heart defect (which, by the way, seems to be almost completely closed - there is no more murmur! Praise the Lord!), and throw in a child in between - well, naturally, my appointments got put off a bit. Last I knew I DO have some neurological issues and I need a sleep study. I guess I still need to get that one worked out. I also was finding out I have a mild case of OCD and possibly ADD. See, this is where the bunny trails come in! I do it - A LOT. Obviously there is SO much more than that, but I need a proper evaluation, and all I got before was the suggestion that I should get the evaluations, and then I never got around to scheduling them. So this doctor that I will be trying to see will be able to do all of that! Ultimately, knowing for sure could change up the medication I do take in a major way as well! So it's not that I don't trust my PCM, and I actually like him a lot, which is rare! haha I do feel, though, that I need to go to a mental health professional who can sort through the more complicated things, and hopefully I'll finally start getting some clear answers!

So I pray tomorrow will not be a "bad mommy" day where I feel like I need to hide for a while because well, I WON'T go hide, which means I also won't get these phone calls in! Come on anti-grouch potion - make mooselion the happiest toddler ever tomorrow!!