Moody

I seriously need to chill out! Lack of sleep, grumpy toddler, change in medication, and then the flu - it just really got to me! I should say it IS getting to me because today was surely no exception! Oh my goodness! The mooselion is such an unhappy toddler and it just gets to be SO exhausting! My dear husband is also feeling down and here I am being a grouch! It needs to stop. I know this!

Friday I was at a retreat at church, and though my business booth didn't do well I had such a great time it didn't really matter! It was exactly what I needed! Not just some time away from the kids (though I did need that, too), but just a chance to connect with others and really tune in to God. It was awesome! I laughed, I cried, I sang and danced, and I prayed and was touched. One thing I really felt was that I do need to step out of my comfort zone - to love people, to touch people, to be that light to people - and most importantly to show that love better within my home! We have had some hard times, but in those times I have been able to influence people in ways I never understood. In all the times I thought people could only see the negative - my hurting, my frustration, my sadness, etc. They also saw my love, my hope, and my faith. How much more could I show that if I focused more on sharing that instead of the negative! I'm human and sometimes I need to get the negative out. Sometimes I need to talk to a friend or family member and all of the time I need to just spill it all out to God because he takes my brokenness and makes me new. Completely new!

I felt all of that in one day! Imagine if I hadn't gotten the flu from the kids I would've had another day there! I'm so bummed I missed the 2nd day, but sometimes things like that just happen. Still, I was eager to begin a new journey - not only sharing positive out of the negative but actually FOCUSING on it. I want to embrace it! I want to break down walls of being unforgiving, walls of not forgiving MYSELF, walls of hurt and pain and all kinds of negative emotions and go forth with love.

I want to, and I need to continue to pray and seek God because I realize there is still some refining to do! I know it's human to be moody or "down" and to experience disappointment in others as well as myself, but I want to change how I deal with this, and today did not reflect this at all! I was negative, moody, discouraged and discouraging, and just overall a downer!

Yes, this is not where I want to be. It's a journey, and I have to start somewhere. I have to start over and take it one step at a time - starting with forgiving myself for today and asking God to forgive me and help me move forward. If I have wronged you, please forgive me. If you have wronged me please know I forgive you. If I have ever held you to unreachable standards please know I'm breaking them down. I won't let earthly standards bind me, either. It doesn't matter what I or anybody else thinks - you are a child of God, and He loves you!

I know I have a long way to go on this journey, but I pray I will be a blessing to you and not a cursing - that I will lift you up and not tear you down. I pray I will be more conscious of the things I say, think, and feel about people and that when I slip (like today) you will gently remind me to get back on track. I appreciate you! Be blessed!

I love my baby boy

So I'm laying here at 2am just loving the fact that even though I'm having a hard time sleeping (as always), I have my little moose-lion next to me and a phone I can blog on! Haha

Seriously, babies are so amazing! Even after three, I'm still in awe every day! And that statement can definitely be applied to the older two as well! But as I lay here feeling his little breath on my chest and his little feet fluttering sporadically I'm just thinking about all the things babies accomplish in 4 months!

The moose-lion officially turned 4 months on the 26th. (And I turned 29 on the 24th! Where did time go?) He went from not even having his suck reflex at birth and transitional breathing issues to being able to nurse while he sleeps to cooing with the sweetest deep voice I've ever heard a baby have! (Yes, I realize I'm biased on the "sweetest" part, but I have truly never heard a baby with a voice as deep as his! It's so cute!) But that is what amazes me about babies! Their ability to learn and grow so much so quickly... And yet still remain so dependent. Parenting is such a unique blessing in that way! We must provide their needs while encouraging them to grow and develop! Babies are born with survival instincts, but human babies really need that social interaction to truly survive - and thrive! I'm just so enamored by my sweet baby!

And the other thing I consider such a blessing is I've felt this way THREE times! God is SO good! When we had our first I was amazed by how quickly that motherly love takes place! It's immediate and amazingly beautiful! I truly couldn't imagine feeling that intensity again! I mean, could I truly have more love to give? Then the princess was born, and I experienced it all over again and instantly knew she wasn't just "another baby," but another incredibly unique little human being! (And those two really are total opposites!) So a lot of people said we should stop since we have one of each with two unique personalities, but we just didn't feel like our family was complete yet! I admit after having our second miscarriage and getting Bubs's diagnosis of PDD-NOS even I considered not trying to conceive anymore. We couldn't ignore that "feeling," though, and sure enough when we were "taking a break" from TTC around this time last year the moose-lion's plans were already coming to fruition by God's Will.

When we found out this past November that my husband had testicular cancer I was 20 weeks pregnant. We didn't fully understand how amazing God's timing was until the Dr.'s explained that most men become infertile PRIOR to their diagnosis! How humbling is that!?

And so here he is! Another unique little human being. So dependent on his little instincts to nurse in the middle of the night, cry and fuss if he needs something, and yet growing so quickly - I get smiles every morning, little giggles when I tickle his belly, "conversations," and he already has a love and appreciation for his big brother and sister! Watching him, our last little baby, grow is somewhat bittersweet. But right now I'm just going to revel in this moment after he falls asleep right after nursing and I feel his little breath on me and cuddle him close.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.5.5.2